Attachment types and friendships

We have probably all heard that friends and people around us come and go throughout life. If that’s the case why do we even bother? We put effort into introducing ourselves and developing this friendship but they may leave us at the end of the day. Well, humans are social beings and we long for intimacy (Miller, 2019). However, intimacy looks different for everyone. Have you wondered why some friendships just click when they meet and they become so close so fast? Attachment styles!

There are four different types of attachment styles - secure, preoccupied, fearful, and dismissing. As you would think, we don’t pick these types we want to be out of choice but our childhood experiences and current experiences can influence our attachment type (Mattson, Frame & Johnson, 2009). Of course, now the question is which one am I?

Secure

People who fall into this category typically have a trusting relationship with their main caregiver as a child (Miller, 2019). They have learned that when they need their caregivers, they will be there for them (Miller, 2019). Secure people are also confident about themselves and are able to be intimate with others and have others rely on them (Miller, 2019).

Preoccupied

Do you often overthink and worry if your partner will leave you when any threat of challenge is placed towards your relationship? If that's a yes, you may be the preoccupied type (Miller, 2019). Even though you and your partner are intimate with each other, you worry that you aren’t enough (Miller, 2019). You may also feel like others do not want to be intimate with you even if you try (Miller, 2019). Preoccupied children are likely to have felt worried if their caregivers would come back if they left which resulted in neediness (Miller, 2019).

Dismissing

These individuals are very independent and do not look for emotional support in others (Miller, 2019). They do not feel the need to rely on others and do not want others to rely on them either (Miller, 2019).

Fearful

Fearful types avoid intimacy (Miller, 2019). That is not to say they don’t want close relationships but instead, the trust may be challenging (Miller, 2019).

Okay, so you have read all about the attachment styles and are dying to know how they affect the development of friendships. Well, I hate to say but, they don’t affect the development but instead the quality of friendships after the initial stage of getting to know each other (Buote, Wood, & Pratt, 2009). With social media being so popular nowadays, many of us actually meet new friends online. This can be helpful for the fearful attachment type individuals to self-disclose and possibly start a conversation (Buote, Wood, & Pratt, 2009). Something about hiding behind a screen makes it easier for people to chat and express themselves. They have more time to think of their reply and for those who have trouble expressing their feelings, it may be easier to do so online.

Once the conversation has started, be aware of certain dialectics relationships can encounter. These include autonomy and connection, openness and closeness, stability and change, and lastly, integrations and separation. These can affect the relationship because one party may wish for autonomy whereas the other may wish for connection. With different views and motivations, there may be challenges that can lead to two parties being on different pages. Ultimately, this can lead to people coming and going throughout their lives.

As a recap, attachment styles do not affect the development of friendships. They can affect which way people thrive in developing friendships, ie. online or in person, and also the quality of friendship following.

Photo source: https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Bartholomews-two-dimensional-model-of-attachment_fig1_226512393

Photo source: https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/i-hired-friendship-coach-help-me-make-friends-here-s-ncna1141571

References

Buote, V. M., Wood, E., & Pratt, M. (2009). Exploring similarities and differences between online and offline friendships: The role of attachment style. Computers in Human Behavior, 25(2), 560–567. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2008.12.022

Mattson, R., Frame, L., & Johnson, M. (2009). Predicting success or failure of marital relationships. In H. T. Reis & S. Sprecher (Eds.), Encyclopedia of human relationships (pp. 1276-1279). Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publications, Inc.

Miller, R.S. (2019). Intimate Relationships (8th ed.). New York: McGraw Hill.